This is another variant on the slightly fey ‘Chase me! Chase me!’ behaviour as documented in number four, but here it’s often deployed after the 80th minute when your opponent has the lead. Subscribe Punt the ball back to their goalkeeper from kick-off, then play keepy-uppy til your attacker gets there There then ensues a cat-and-mouse game of ‘Well, I’m not unpausing, because if I do it first they’ll know when they’re unpausing and have an advantage,’ both players poised over their controllers tapping the bejeezus out of a button and anticipating all their opponents’ possible moves. What quite a lot of people do, possibly in the hope of causing a distraction, is pause the second after the ball hits their player. You can only pause when you have possession (which is technically deemed as ‘if your player was the last person to touch the ball’), so if the ball’s heading out of play it’s a good time to make substitutions, as they will come on fairly quickly after the restart. There is some tactical advantage to be gained from pausing at certain moments. So, what’s your gameplan? Pack the centre of the park and play it wide? Sit back, invite them onto you, then counter-attack rapidly? Punt it long? Or do a short pass from the kick-off and then just stand there doing skill moves and flicks? You realise how pathetically obvious it is that you want me to lunge forward so you can sidestep me gracefully? You realise that I can wait longer than you can? Go on. Kick off and then do skill moves, daring you to tackle them That’s before the whole ‘It sounds like someone paper-cutting a million wasps in half’ issue with the sound quality.
It’s hard not to feel bad as you effortlessly beat an Italian schoolboy at FIFA, it’s worse when his family are in the background and are audibly upset. Less pitiable, but more awkward, is when the entire family appears to be in the room.
However, if no one else is in the room with you, putting on a headset so you can have a one-sided conversation with a stranger you’re playing football with is a strange choice of activity, at best a metaphor for Cartesian dualism.
#PLAY FIFA 10 ONLINE FREE FULL#
I can understand friends nattering away – full of banter, beans and spunk – while partaking of an online soccerball contest. Play against strangers with your headset on The worst bit is when you try to explain this joke, and then you end up sitting down to watch Brokeback Mountain together and by the end you’re in tears, and then you agree just to play the silly game of football after all, and then they beat you because they haven’t been as emotionally affected as you because they’re a MONSTER. This is why, if you score early, your opponent may quit on you, and would therefore make a rubbish gay cowboy. If the time on the clock has not reached the five minute mark, you can quit an online game without losing.
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